Operation Awesome Allison! The road so far! (My very first post! :D)

Hello and welcome :)

I'm not sure of the exact day that I came up with the title "Operation Awesome Allison"...I do remember it came to me while I was discussing my goals with my mom and sister in law. I liked the sound of it, so it has been my mission title ever since ;) I wanted to say that I share all of this in the hopes that if someone is out there and might possibly be going through a similar hard time, I hope that this will show you, or inspire you, to see that you can do anything you put your mind to. I hope I will show you that it is possible. Now to bring you all up to speed, here is my attempt to cover what has been my journey so far. :)

When I was 30, my life kind of fell apart.  I got a divorce and had all of my illusions of what I thought life was supposed to be shattered.  I found out that even though you are a good person and try to do everything right, bad things still happen to you.  This is when I started drinking...then around 35 I decided if I want to pull myself together I am going to have to confront and deal with my past.  So one night when I was drunk I reached out to my ex mother in law and asked for my ex husbands contact information.  Thankfully he agreed to meet with me to talk over what had happened.  It took several different discussions over a period of time to reach a place that I was somewhat better.  I am so thankful to him and his now wife for being open enough to help me work through my feelings.

After all of this I still had to deal with the fact that I was drinking and smoking every day...I still felt alone and broken.  I looked as deeply as I could into myself and asked myself what was holding me back?  And everything lead back to fear.  I was afraid of loving again, of taking a chance, of feeling, all of it.  It's funny how the universe works because shortly after this discovery I found a book called "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyways" in a box of books at my mom's place.  I then decided I had to do something that was really scary, then because I did it everything else in comparison would be like a cake walk.  On another night of drinking I decided that scary thing would be to do a tandem jump out of an airplane.  I called up my brothers and sisters and they were all on board to do it with me. I will someday post about that day more.  But for now lets just say it definitely was one of the scariest and at the same time the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life!!!

One day I felt a heat in my chest and was concerned I was having a heart attack, deep down I knew I wasn't but it was enough to send me into a full on panic attack.  I was throwing up due to the waves of fear that were coursing through me.  Usually I would have just let it slide and chalked it up to a panic attach and looked no further because if I looked into it I was terrified of what they might find.  But with my new "Hey you jumped out of an airplane you can do this'" mantra I had developed, I decided to go to the doctor to get examined and set my mind at ease.  However the exam had the exact opposite effect. I had not tested positive for the enzymes that would indicate I had had a heart attack, however they told me my blood work was off and that my EKG was off as well.  I had about a 2 week period were I had to digest the possibility that I might be told I had cancer.  I realized that what I was doing to my body...and how it could, if it chose to, give up on me.

I had a moment where I had gone for a walk trying to digest everything.  I sat down at one point on the trail that was next to the slew...I looked over at the sun shining on the water just as some ducks took off into the air. It was so beautiful and I choked up thinking I would miss being able to see something like this...I didn't want to leave this world!  I got a prescription for Wellbutrin from my doctor and started the process of quitting smoking.  The third round of blood work came back clean! I was OK!!  I am happy to also say that as of Dec 9th 2015 I will be 3 years smoke free!

I took myself on a trip to Ireland to celebrate my 40th birthday and quitting smoking.  More on that later as well :)  When I got back from Ireland I started at the gym, and have to date lost 30lbs.  I have gone back and forth with the drinking...I'm not drinking every day like I used to, I haven't cut it completely out of my life yet though...sometimes on the weekends or every other weekend...sometimes I've gone months...still a work in progress.

Well that for the most part brings you up to date.  I will write in more detail in the days to come about some of the more significant moments involved in getting where I am now.  But for now I think this will do for my first official post.  I hope you have enjoyed reading.  I look forward to seeing where this will all lead :) Until next time I'm sending you all BIG LOVE!!!!