Have you ever been so afraid that your whole body shakes? (for everyone who has heard this story before I hope you don't mind reading about it again ;))
I had been examining my life because I was stuck. I had gone through a divorce and ever since then I had lost my boldness in life. I drank a lot. I would usually go straight from work to my house, and would veg out in front of the T.V. get drunk, pass out and then repeat the next day. This had been going on for about 5 years. I was not happy with how I was choosing to live my life. This is not how I saw myself continuing either. I needed to get out of this rut, but how? I did some deep soul searching and figured out that the main thing that was holding me back was the fact that I was afraid. I was afraid to love again, take risks again, and hurt again...So I decided I needed to do something really scary, really out of my comfort zone. Look fear dead in the face and overcome it, live through it! Then I could say well if I could do that I can do anything. So of course skydiving was the scariest thing I could imagine doing. I then got the brilliant idea of having my brothers and sisters take the jump with me. I sent out the text messages and everyone was on board! I was SO excited! This was it! I was on the path to taking charge of my life again!
The night before my brothers and sisters and I were set to jump from 13,500 ft. ....wait let me set the scene...
It's around 11:30 pm we are driving home from Seattle where we had just taken the Underworld tour. We are listening to an am radio talk show about alien abductions, when all of a sudden the program is interrupted to report that a skydiver had died that day at the same airfield our jump was scheduled to take place. His 1st shoot had failed to open and it didn't clear in time for his second shoot and they both got tangled together... he landed near a school yard and it was said that the people who were near could hear him saying "oh god, oh god" He passed away on the way to the hospital.
All of a sudden what was meant to be an adventure to me and my family turned into an "Oh Shit! What have I done?" If anything happened to my brothers and sisters, I know I would blame myself for the rest of my life. As this whole thing had been my idea...That is when the shaking started...my mind raced imagining what that must have felt like for that poor skydiver...the utter helplessness....I tried to reassure myself by telling myself that the chances of that happening again, especially the day after were very small. But my body didn't seem to want to listen, as the shaking didn't stop. I didn't want to ruin the experience for everyone else by portraying on the outside just how scared I really was. I wasn't completely successful as I did have a small breakdown outside on the deck prior to leaving....I tried to reassure everyone by making light of it. "Don't worry I just need to let this out. I'll be okay."
We arrived at the airfield and as we walked into the building I heard the sound of "Woo Hoo" coming from the sky, and I thought okay they're happy, that's a good sign. When we all stepped up to the counter to pay we were informed that it had all been taken care of. My mom ended up surprising all of us by paying for all of our jumps as well as the videos to go along with it! I love that woman SO much!!
After that wonderful surprise we got to sit down and watch a video. We were also given paper work to sign....I stopped reading after the 3rd example of what could possibly go wrong ....I didn't need any more scenarios to feed my already racing mind. Yep I got it! What we were about to do was dangerous...I didn't want to read about landing in trees, or power lines...(-_-)
Then we are instructed on how we are going to be leaving the plane.....sit on a chair...now tuck your feet under the chair so that your heels touch the underside. Okay good. Now simulate holding the vest with your hands, kind of like you're beating your chest. Next lean your head back, chin up so your stomach and chest are totally open and exposed...feels very secure right? Totally not vulnerable at all...(-_-) Yep still shaking! It's like with each step the volume just kept getting turned up inside of me...
After that we head outside to wait our turn...It was about a half an hour. A half an hour of being a human vibrator, and being as scared as I have ever been in my entire life! But this is why I wanted to do this right? I wanted to face fear and being afraid. So I kept telling myself, just keep breathing, it will be okay. Then our group is called. It's me, my older sister, and one of my younger brothers. I truly am surprised I didn't throw up at this point...(-_-) but the cameras were rolling and I am going to be brave! This is an adventure! Suck it up! Get strapped in! Let me tell you the harnesses they put you in..I have never felt so secured. It felt like I was getting a hug that I desperately needed from an inanimate object. I would take that! My jump specialists name was Craig aka Smiley :) I say in the video that I am facing a fear of falling...I think I said that because that is what I was afraid of right then in that moment, the fear of falling out of a plane...but looking back I know I was facing fear itself. But Smiley said "Don't worry. You will feel like you're flying." :)
Then the plane pulls up...my mind..."Oh shit I have to pee!" Please don't let me pee myself! (-_-) "nope just put one foot in front of the other" "keep walking" I literally had to crawl up the stairs, my legs were not feeling very strong at this point...then we are getting into the plane. Sitting on your butt packed in like sardines. My expert jumper Smiley was kind enough to pretend that he was nervous about the take off. I was fine with the takeoff...Yay! Something I could be brave about!
About 5 min. into the flight I had a moment of looking around the plane and out the window...I was doing this...I was in a plane and I was about to jump out of it! Me! The girl/woman who was always so afraid, and didn't really do anything that daring for years, was doing this! You know, you talk about it, get all fired up and then you move on to the next thing that you're going to imagine being all brave about... but you never actually DO it!.....but I was doing it right then...or at least I was about to do it...I said out loud "I can't believe I am flipping doing this" One of the instructors said "you can say F$%#" So I said again "Okay I can't F&^%* believe I am actually doing this!"
The time comes when my guy Smiley announces that we need to get set up...he now gets to attach himself to me.....this shaking lady that I'm sure he is hoping won't lose her $!#T once we exit the plane...they made jokes about reading the instructions right, don't miss a step...when they lock you in, again there is that feeling of being VERY securely attached and supported, however when I looked down at my legs they were now shaking more than ever. The volume is now turned up to its fullest capacity. Before it felt like my body was just humming to itself, this deep inner vibration. Now it was visible on the outside what I was feeling on the inside. I wanted SO desperately to lay my head back on Smiley's shoulder and ask for a hug...but I didn't know this guy from Adam however so I was forced once again to suck it up and keep going.
Then the door opens...there is a group of professionals at the front of the plane who are set to jump out first, then one guy who is on his own, then me...The professionals turn to the back of the plane and give the whole "Woo Hoo!" thing. Everyone's like "Woo Hoo!" I give my own attempt of sounding like a daring person who is excited about this, not scared to death! "Woo Hoo!" I think I pull it off...I'm trying to borrow their positive attitudes...then I watch as one by one they are there...then gone....I can tell you that it is quite a shock to the system to see someone's body just fly out the open door of an airplane....
Then this is it. It's my turn to start moving forward to that open door that has nothing but sky in it.....My mind goes into hyperactive panic mode! "We can just stay off to the side, let everyone go by us. No we can't do that. This is too much! I bit off too much! This isn't me! I don't do this stuff! I'm too afraid!" then another voice took over. "Nope Allison you have been through a lot in your life. You have been brave before. You have been strong before! You can do this!!" The voices in my head for the first time in a long time actually believed in me. I all of a sudden had faith in myself! So I started to scoot my butt forward across the bottom of that plane, to the edge of the door...then...my feet tucked under, heels touching the bottom of the plane, head back, stomach nice and open and exposed...1...2........As I fell forward I said "unbelievable" I had done it! I was doing it! I was falling through the air at 13,500 ft!!!! A free fall of 60 seconds...
I tell you I don't know if I have ever been so present in a moment. Trying to take it all in at once! Being able to look around, remembering the camera is there, trying to breathe, noticing my shoe feels kind of loose and worrying that it might fly off, the noise of the wind rushing by, the feeling of being totally suspended above the earth yet you're falling, but Smiley was right...I didn't feel like I was falling. I felt like I was flying!....then the shoot opens...you're jerked up a bit and everything that you thought was so tight all of a sudden gets much tighter! And that is when I came down with a momentary case of turrets. (-_-) Everything got quiet except for my cursing and the instructor laughing at my cursing! Lol! Then we got to look around, he pointed out the plane below us..it looked like the size of a small ant. He offered to have me steer...the fear kicked in! " Oh hell no! What if you mess up?" I then got to use my new motto for the first time! "Hey! I just jumped out of a plane! I can do this!" So I grabbed the straps and turned us right and then left..pulling down harder to increase the turn. That made it feel like I was being stretched from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes.
All of a sudden it's already time to land! It's like time moved quickly and slowly at the same time... Okay lift your feet up, keep them up...here comes the ground...and we landed so softly.(I sit down harder than we landed) Smiley got taken away by a small wind gust after he had disconnected himself from me...I took that opportunity to lay back on the ground. I wanted that secure feeling underneath me...as my legs...yep were still shaking! I asked when that would stop and he said give it an hour or so. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of such gratitude for this stranger who had just helped me in more ways than he will ever know. He had gotten me through this safely. (I did get to give him a hug after we were all done) He then asked if I would ever do it again...the first thing that popped into my head was an emphatic "HELL NO!" but then I changed my mind...that was the old me talking...and this was the new me and so I responded instead with an emphatic "F#%$^@ Yeah!"
I tell you I was on such a high after that! I got so excited to see my other brothers and sisters go next! "Oh I can't wait for you to feel this!!!" And everyone did it! Looking up into the sky and trying to spot exactly when their shoots opened...It was such a rush of joy! Some got a little sick to their stomach, another brother had a bit of a rough landing. But everyone made it and everyone was smiling! What an awesome experience!!! I tell you everyone I encountered that day got to know that I had just jumped out of a plane! It took a couple of weeks to come down from the high...:)
We all watched our videos together once we got home. I would start shaking again every time I would watch mine. At one point when I got to the part of me crawling into the plane a nasty little voice came into my head..."look how big your butt is!" but then I got to respond with "Yeah..but look what that butt is doing!" I pretty much b!@#* slapped that nasty little voice! ;) I had such a deep sense of pride in myself for the first time in a long time! I had done it!
From that point forward, whenever I get scared or doubtful of what I am capable of accomplishing, I tell myself "Hey you jumped out of a plane, you can do this too!" And with that I have quit smoking (it will be 3 years now in December), gone to Ireland by myself, will be going to Scotland next year, and I have lost 30 lbs. I have also learned how to do a full power clean to push-press at the age of 41! I would love to skydive again....Just imagine what I could accomplish if I could add to that statement "not only once, but twice!"
Thanks again everyone for reading! Big love! <3 <3 <3 I'm going to watch the video now! :D How exciting I can attach it to this so you can watch it too! Hope you enjoy!
P.S. I know some of this is stuff is repetitive from my first blog but I will be sending this post into Skydive Snohomish to enter the chance to win a free skydive. I still plan on doing it again. Even if I don't win the free dive. :) But it is worth a shot! I'll keep you posted! ;D
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