Yeah! Come on! Come on!

I need to set the scene….

It’s towards the end of our spin class.  We are on track 5 or maybe it was 6…I can’t remember.  After a while it becomes a blur, Lol! ;)  Everyone is tired and panting…..our teacher asks us to look at the door and think about why it is we chose to walk through it….and then she says “and aren’t you glad you did?!” “There are no regrets here tonight!” “And now how much are you going to give it? How much effort are you going to put into this last push?!?” Then we are cranking through the climb, the beat of the music is helping to push our legs and our motivation….my eyes are locked forward, focused, the mantra of “I can do this!” is going through my head… and then a gentleman in the front row of the class, while in the throes of pushing himself, starts shouting “Yeah! Come on! Come on!” Everyone glances over.  I see a few of them smile….then several other people in the class start giving little shouts of “Woo Hoo!”  So the whole class kind of starts to cheer each other on…..and then we are done with that push and everyone gives out a little cheer! Then we sit back down, catching our breath, getting ready to take on the next climb.

In that moment it hit me….this healthy lifestyle I have chosen and how much it has changed my life…  

I initially started out this journey with the typical goal of getting into better physical shape.  I never took into account what it meant mentally.  I realized, looking around that class, the type of mentality that is involved in keeping and maintaining a healthy life style.  It’s one I hope to keep for the rest of my life!

I realized in that moment that throughout this process I have found myself surrounded by people who are always encouraging me and building me up! Not just my friends and family, but the trainers and staff members, the fellow classmates.  Instead of reinforcing my beliefs of not being capable by agreeing with me about how hard it is, they instead, have told me, and shown me, that I am capable of so much more than I have ever given myself credit for.  They are always telling me “good job” when I have reached a new goal, followed by a high five.  Or there have been some who take the time to walk over during a break in my workout to give me a high five, followed by a slight nod because they see how hard I have been pushing myself.  It’s an acknowledgment that I wasn’t looking for, but it feels so incredible when you get it! Some trainers have also pointed out when I might have been short changing myself, not realizing that I am capable of handling more weight.  And when I test their theory of being capable of more and I am struggling to complete that last set, then that instructor is standing right beside me telling me “Come on you can do it! You got this!”  

Being exposed to this way of thinking has taught me SO much! It’s taught me about getting stronger by pushing through something that is difficult, while maintaining a belief that I can do it. When you push yourself physically and your mind has the natural tendency to say “I can’t do this anymore!”   If you can instead change that thought to “I can do this!” in your head, you find yourself reaching deep and pulling that strength up and out. You find out that it is there inside of you to use.   When you repeat this process over and over, workout after workout you build yourself a network of reference points, of proof positive that you are a badass! That you are capable! 

When I had my first session with my old trainer Jordan, he asked me what my short term, medium term, and long term goals were.  My short term goal was to fit into a pair of boots I had purchased (check!).  My medium term goal was to get into the red dress (still in the works…).  And my long term goal was to make physical fitness my lifestyle (check!).

I think having that mind set of “this is now my lifestyle” has helped in a lot of ways to keep me on track.  For one, whenever I was discouraged about not getting the results I wanted, no pounds or inches lost, I didn’t have the option to stop and give up, because this was my lifestyle now, there was no stopping.  At least that is what I would tell myself when my old way of thinking would try to take over.  You know those times when your thoughts are somewhere along the lines of “This is hard”, “I don’t want to”, “It would be so much nicer to just go home, sit down, and watch T.V.!” , “What is the point of working so hard when I’m not even seeing results!?!?!?”  I’m sure some of you are familiar with those kinds of thoughts…. (-_-) 

Here is what I became aware of; I became aware that when I allowed myself to dwell on this kind of thinking, I would notice my motivation just going down the tubes!  Those thoughts had me feeling like I had no power over myself or my life.  Like I was not up to doing what had to be done to reach my goals, or to even get what I wanted out of my life…

But here is the thing, being exposed to this positive way of thinking was sinking in on some levels, and when I found myself thinking poorly, getting sucked down into thoughts of giving up, I realized I had to change my thoughts! So every time I caught myself thinking those negative thoughts when going to the gym, or while at the gym working out, I would change the words running through my brain, or “change the tape” as they say.  I would start thinking about how pumped I was to get into that red dress.  I started thinking about and giving myself credit for how far I had come.  If I was struggling through a workout and caught myself thinking “I can’t do this!” I would stop myself and think “I can do this! I’m getting stronger and stronger every day!” (I still do this while working out) I started to focus my thoughts on how great I felt after I left the gym.  I felt strong, and more than just physically strong, but mentally strong.  After my workout, walking out of the gym I would feel a deep sense of gratification, because I knew I had done the right thing. I knew with everything that I was, that I was doing something that was/is good for me, something that was/is making me stronger, something that is taking care of myself, something that is showing myself that I matter!  I had no regrets for choosing to walk through that door as my spin teacher pointed out.

I have been going to the gym 3 to 6 times a week for almost 3 years now.  I have been able to maintain my at this point 35 lb weight loss, and I am still on track to reach my goal of getting into that red dress! I’ve learned that even when it is hard, I have the strength inside of me to do what it takes. And I know that, because I have changed the way that I think about myself.  And it is all due to the thing that struck me that night, during that spin class, and the reason I was inspired to write this blog; and that is that I have received an added bonus that I never even considered when I started this journey; I have learned how to think positively. I have learned how to believe in myself. I have learned how to be encouraging as opposed to a defeatist, not only to myself but to others.

Because of this new attitude of “I can do it!” when I come up against an obstacle, it isn’t a reason to quit.  Why quit when I know I can succeed?  Instead I take it as an opportunity to brain storm on how to get around it.  An opportunity to do further research that is going to help me overcome whatever it is that is temporarily holding me back from what I want to do.  To dig into myself and see if there is something there that is holding me back and then replace it with something inside of me that can move me forward instead.  I look at challenges as an opportunity to grow even more! Not be defeated and give up.  And these mental skills I have applied not just to my physical fitness but to my life as well and it is all the better for that!

I had a sense of the good that was to come when I started “Operation Awesome Allison” and now I’m just SO grateful to that past self that made the decision to move forward.  And I am so grateful to all of the people along the way that have encouraged me, and supported me!  I am grateful to the people who have said “You can do it!”

I’m so happy to say that along with muscle tone, definition, and cardio vascular strength (my former smokers resting heart rate is now 53!) that I have also developed a very important mental skill too. When I am faced with a difficult situation, or a challenge, I have learned to look forward and focus on the positive things.  I have learned a new mantra and it’s “I can do this!” and I believe that it is true, because I now have a plethora of reference points to refer back to.  I have learned when I see others reaching for their goals to be like that guy in my class or the trainer standing beside me and yell “Yeah! Come on! Come on!” “You got this!”

My heart is SO grateful it overwhelms me…..I’m glad it is in better shape now and can handle this much gratitude, with room to spare for the more that I know is to come! <3 <3 <3 <3

So the next time you find yourself thinking "I can't"  I want you to try and change it to "I can!" and know that I am standing beside you saying "Yeah! You got this!"

Taking acountability for myself

I have discovered a new super power! Tanking accountability for my own emotions. I think so many times in life we try to blame others for what has happened in our life, or better yet how we feel about our life.  And to some degree this is kind of true...but I have discovered the deeper truth of taking accountability for my response to what people do to me or have done to me in the past.

This is one of the things I have noticed about getting older... you all of a sudden really understand all of those things that were told to you as a child.  All of those little golden nuggets of wisdom that you thought you got...but until you get there, you really have no idea.

Okay so here is my big ah ha moment....So if you blame others for your experience in life, you are giving them complete power over your life.  If you allow their actions to dictate your experience they might as well be living your life for you.  However if you take accountability for your response your emotions, how you want to move forward, the power is put back into your hands.  You don't have to place blame.  Here is an example...

I had someone message me on the dating site, and like has happened many times before the conversation started off on a sexual nature.  Now without going into detail let me just say that I have had my share of bad sexual experiences.  As I know very many women have. These have affected my perception when it comes to sex.  I have taken the immediate offense when someone jumps right into wanting sex.  It triggers my "Oh that is all they want me for" "I'm not that easy" "what a jerk" response.

However if I am honest I like sex.  I really enjoy it.  I understand that people want it.  So I take all of that emotion that I'm having and I don't put that onto this young man who is looking for friends with benefits.  Some people out there are perfectly alright with satisfying their physical desires with no strings attached. I found out that for me,casual sex feels empty and shallow and therefore is not satisfying to me. So therefore I have the right to state what is my truth without putting blame on or shamming this young man for what he wants.

I have recently had an experience where I realized my stuff was being triggered.. My feelings of being rejected, my feelings of not being enough.  I knew in reality none of this was true.  I know that I am enough.  I know that I will be fine in my life without this person in it, some things just don't work out...it just triggered my past...but in taking accountability for my response I discovered there is a great power in this. There is a great power in owning up to how I am feeling without casting blame on the other person for making me feel this way.  They are just living their lives the best way they know how.  They have their own issues too.  I am the one feeling these feelings because of my past, not because of them.  If I don't cast blame, if I say hey this is how I'm feeling, chances are they have felt that way too and will understand.

I am also not giving my power to them.  If  I put them in control, or say "you did this to me" I then have no power to change it.  I am in a sense putting my happiness in their hands!  However if I say "I feel this way"   I know I have the power to change that.  By either taking myself out of the situation that is making me feel that way or trying to find a better understanding of what exactly is going on.

So from this point forward it is my goal to acknowledge how I feel.  Allow myself to have those feelings.  Then ask myself "Okay now what can I do to make myself feel better?" I have also written out a list of 100 things that make me feel happy.  I can go to this list and pick one.  A couple of examples are going to the gym, dancing around my apartment, or making myself a cup of hot apple cider.  I find this helps to make me feel a lot less helpless, and it also makes me feel that I am taking care of myself. :)

That is all for now. Big love everyone!!

Falling from the sky

Have you ever been so afraid that your whole body shakes? (for everyone who has heard this story before I hope you don't mind reading about it again ;))

I had been examining my life because I was stuck.  I had gone through a divorce and ever since then I had lost my boldness in life.  I drank a lot.  I would usually go straight from work to my house, and would veg out in front of the T.V. get drunk, pass out and then repeat the next day. This had been going on for about 5 years.  I was not happy with how I was choosing to live my life.  This is not how I saw myself continuing either.  I needed to get out of this rut, but how?  I did some deep soul searching and figured out that the main thing that was holding me back was the fact that I was afraid.  I was afraid to love again, take risks again, and hurt again...So I decided I needed to do something really scary, really out of my comfort zone.  Look fear dead in the face and overcome it, live through it! Then I could say well if I could do that I can do anything.  So of course skydiving was the scariest thing I could imagine doing.  I then got the brilliant idea of having my brothers and sisters take the jump with me.  I sent out the text messages and everyone was on board!  I was SO excited! This was it! I was on the path to taking charge of my life again!

The night before my brothers and sisters and I were set to jump from 13,500 ft. ....wait let me set the scene...

It's around 11:30 pm we are driving home from Seattle where we had just taken the Underworld tour. We are listening to an am radio talk show about alien abductions, when all of a sudden the program is interrupted to report that a skydiver had died that day at the same airfield our jump was scheduled to take place.  His 1st shoot had failed to open and it didn't clear in time for his second shoot and they both got tangled together... he landed near a school yard and it was said that the people who were near could hear him saying "oh god, oh god"  He passed away on the way to the hospital.

All of a sudden what was meant to be an adventure to me and my family turned into an "Oh Shit! What have I done?"  If anything happened to my brothers and sisters, I know I would blame myself for the rest of my life.  As this whole thing had been my idea...That is when the shaking started...my mind raced imagining what that must have felt like for that poor skydiver...the utter helplessness....I tried to reassure myself by telling myself that the chances of that happening again, especially the day after were very small.  But my body didn't seem to want to listen, as the shaking didn't stop.  I didn't want to ruin the experience for everyone else by portraying on the outside just how scared I really was. I wasn't completely successful as I did have a small breakdown outside on the deck prior to leaving....I tried to reassure everyone by making light of it. "Don't worry I just need to let this out. I'll be okay."

We arrived at the airfield and as we walked into the building I heard the sound of "Woo Hoo" coming from the sky, and I thought okay they're happy, that's a good sign.  When we all stepped up to the counter to pay we were informed that it had all been taken care of.  My mom ended up surprising all of us by paying for all of our jumps as well as the videos to go along with it!  I love that woman SO much!!

After that wonderful surprise we got to sit down and watch a video. We were also given paper work to sign....I stopped reading after the 3rd example of what could possibly go wrong ....I didn't need any more scenarios to feed my already racing mind.  Yep I got it!  What we were about to do was dangerous...I didn't want to read about landing in trees, or power lines...(-_-)

Then we are instructed on how we are going to be leaving the plane.....sit on a chair...now tuck your feet under the chair so that your heels touch the underside.  Okay good.  Now simulate holding the vest with your hands, kind of like you're beating your chest.  Next lean your head back, chin up so your stomach and chest are totally open and exposed...feels very secure right? Totally not vulnerable at all...(-_-) Yep still shaking! It's like with each step the volume just kept getting turned up inside of me...

After that we head outside to wait our turn...It was about a half an hour.  A half an hour of being a human vibrator, and being as scared as I have ever been in my entire life!  But this is why I wanted to do this right?  I wanted to face fear and being afraid.  So I kept telling myself, just keep breathing, it will be okay.  Then our group is called. It's me, my older sister, and one of my younger brothers.  I truly am surprised I didn't throw up at this point...(-_-) but the cameras were rolling and I am going to be brave! This is an adventure! Suck it up! Get strapped in! Let me tell you the harnesses they put you in..I have never felt so secured.  It felt like I was getting a hug that I desperately needed from an inanimate object.  I would take that!  My jump specialists name was Craig aka Smiley :)  I say in the video that I am facing a fear of falling...I think I said that because that is what I was afraid of right then in that moment, the fear of falling out of a plane...but looking back I know I was facing fear itself. But Smiley said "Don't worry.  You will feel like you're flying."  :)

Then the plane pulls up...my mind..."Oh shit I have to pee!"  Please don't let me pee myself! (-_-)  "nope just put one foot in front of the other" "keep walking" I literally had to crawl up the stairs, my legs were not feeling very strong at this point...then we are getting into the plane.  Sitting on your butt packed in like sardines.  My expert jumper Smiley was kind enough to pretend that he was nervous about the take off.  I was fine with the takeoff...Yay! Something I could be brave about!

About 5 min. into the flight I had a moment of looking around the plane and out the window...I was doing this...I was in a plane and I was about to jump out of it!  Me! The girl/woman who was always so afraid, and didn't really do anything that daring for years, was doing this! You know, you talk about it, get all fired up and then you move on to the next thing that you're going to imagine being all brave about... but you never actually DO it!.....but I was doing it right then...or at least I was about to do it...I said out loud "I can't believe I am flipping doing this"  One of the instructors said "you can say F$%#" So I said again "Okay I can't F&^%* believe I am actually doing this!"

The time comes when my guy Smiley announces that we need to get set up...he now gets to attach himself to me.....this shaking lady that I'm sure he is hoping won't lose her $!#T once we exit the plane...they made jokes about reading the instructions right, don't miss a step...when they lock you in, again there is that feeling of being VERY securely attached and supported, however when I looked down at my legs they were now shaking more than ever. The volume is now turned up to its fullest capacity. Before it felt like my body was just humming to itself, this deep inner vibration. Now it was visible on the outside what I was feeling on the inside. I wanted SO desperately to lay my head back on Smiley's  shoulder and ask for a hug...but I didn't know this guy from Adam however so I was forced once again to suck it up and keep going.

Then the door opens...there is a group of professionals at the front of the plane who are set to jump out first, then one guy who is on his own, then me...The professionals turn to the back of the plane and give the whole "Woo Hoo!" thing.  Everyone's like "Woo Hoo!" I give my own attempt of sounding like a daring person who is excited about this, not scared to death! "Woo Hoo!" I think I pull it off...I'm trying to borrow their positive attitudes...then I watch as one by one they are there...then gone....I can tell you that it is quite a shock to the system to see someone's body just fly out the open door of an airplane....

Then this is it.  It's my turn to start moving forward to that open door that has nothing but sky in it.....My mind goes into hyperactive panic mode!  "We can just stay off to the side, let everyone go by us. No we can't do that. This is too much! I bit off too much! This isn't me! I don't do this stuff! I'm too afraid!" then another voice took over.  "Nope Allison you have been through a lot in your life. You have been brave before. You have been strong before!  You can do this!!" The voices in my head for the first time in a long time actually believed in me.  I all of a sudden had faith in myself! So I started to scoot my butt forward across the bottom of that plane, to the edge of the door...then...my feet tucked under, heels touching the bottom of the plane, head back, stomach nice and open and exposed...1...2........As I fell forward I said "unbelievable" I had done it! I was doing it! I was falling through the air at 13,500 ft!!!! A free fall of 60 seconds...

I tell you I don't know if I have ever been so present in a moment.  Trying to take it all in at once! Being able to look around, remembering the camera is there, trying to breathe, noticing my shoe feels kind of loose and worrying that it might fly off, the noise of the wind rushing by, the feeling of being totally suspended above the earth yet you're falling, but Smiley was right...I didn't feel like I was falling.  I felt like I was flying!....then the shoot opens...you're jerked up a bit and everything that you thought was so tight all of a sudden gets much tighter!  And that is when I came down with a momentary case of turrets. (-_-)  Everything got quiet except for my cursing and the instructor laughing at my cursing! Lol!  Then we got to look around, he pointed out the plane below us..it looked like the size of a small ant.  He offered to have me steer...the fear kicked in! " Oh hell no! What if you mess up?" I then got to use my new motto for the first time! "Hey! I just jumped out of a plane! I can do this!" So I grabbed the straps and turned us right and then left..pulling down harder to increase the turn. That made it feel like I was being stretched from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes.

All of  a sudden it's already time to land! It's like time moved quickly and slowly at the same time... Okay lift your feet up, keep them up...here comes the ground...and we landed so softly.(I sit down harder than we landed)  Smiley got taken away by a small wind gust after he had disconnected himself from me...I took that opportunity to lay back on the ground.  I wanted that secure feeling underneath me...as my legs...yep were still shaking! I asked when that would stop and he said give it an hour or so.  I was overwhelmed with a feeling of such gratitude for this stranger who had just helped me in more ways than he will ever know.  He had gotten me through this safely.  (I did get to give him a hug after we were all done)  He then asked if I would ever do it again...the first thing that popped into my head was an emphatic "HELL NO!" but then I changed my mind...that was the old me talking...and this was the new me and so I responded instead with an emphatic "F#%$^@ Yeah!"

I tell you I was on such a high after that!  I got so excited to see my other brothers and sisters go next! "Oh I can't wait for you to feel this!!!" And everyone did it! Looking up into the sky and trying to spot exactly when their shoots opened...It was such a rush of joy!  Some got a little sick to their stomach, another brother had a bit of a rough landing.  But everyone made it and everyone was smiling! What an awesome experience!!! I tell you everyone I encountered that day got to know that I had just jumped out of a plane! It took a couple of weeks to come down from the high...:)

We all watched our videos together once we got home.  I would start shaking again every time I would watch mine.  At one point when I got to the part of me crawling into the plane a nasty little voice came into my head..."look how big your butt is!"  but then I got to respond with "Yeah..but look what that butt is doing!" I pretty much b!@#* slapped that nasty little voice! ;)  I had such a deep sense of pride in myself for the first time in a long time! I had done it!

From that point forward, whenever I get scared or doubtful of what I am capable of accomplishing, I tell myself  "Hey you jumped out of a plane, you can do this too!"  And with that I have quit smoking (it will be 3 years now in December), gone to Ireland by myself, will be going to Scotland next year, and I have lost 30 lbs. I have also learned how to do a full power clean to push-press at the age of 41!  I would love to skydive again....Just imagine what I could accomplish if I could add to that statement "not only once, but twice!"

Thanks again everyone for reading! Big love! <3 <3 <3 I'm going to watch the video now! :D How exciting I can attach it to this so you can watch it too! Hope you enjoy!

P.S.  I know some of this is stuff is repetitive from my first blog but I will be sending this post into Skydive Snohomish to enter the chance to win a free skydive. I still plan on doing it again.  Even if I don't win the free dive. :) But it is worth a shot!  I'll keep you posted! ;D

Page 2 Finding my ocean floor

Hello again my friends :)  I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, and that your Monday isn't too rough on you :)

So a couple of things that have been running through my mind since my first official blog...(That feels a bit weird typing that, good but weird ;))

When I first decided my life needed to change I realized I didn't know how to change it...I basically knew that my coping skills of drinking, smoking, eating, and watching T.V. were not exactly the healthy ways to deal with my problems.  I had read books, been inspired for a while but then when things got hard I would shut down and run to my escapes, hell I would run to them when things weren't that hard too.  Don't get me wrong I would have good times...but there was just this underlying feeling of disappointment in myself and in my life that I ultimately couldn't shake.  I would have a great day..then I would sit down and feel like "well now what?" "is this it?" All of these not pleasant feelings wanted to start coming up.  And I didn't have the answers to all of the questions they were making me ask myself...so it was this viscous cycle of "how?" "why?" "i don't know".  Never ending...there was no escape... How do I find the answers to these life questions?

So I thought "OK I need to look at people who have been successful in their life.  What did they do?  How did they deal with hard times? What was their thought process?"  One thing that kept being said but never really explained was that you had to "Process your emotions"  "Honor your feelings" I thought "Okay great! How?"  No one explained how one really goes about "processing your emotions" they would just say it assuming that everyone knew what that meant...I didn't... Or they would recommend therapy but quite frankly I couldn't afford that.  Then I came across a lovely lady  Rori Raye,  she is a dating and life coach, and she said whenever you feel an emotion triggered instead of pushing it down or trying to think your way through it, you get down on your knees and you feel it.  You don't analyze it, think about, or try to control it, you just breath through it and focus on the physical sensations the emotions (there usually is never Just one!) are making your body feel.  Tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, heat rising through you etc.

So I started practicing this.  Luckily for me I live alone and so when I started to feel sad, or some unknown emotion getting triggered, or starting to stir up inside of me, instead of turning on the TV, or distracting myself with something else, I could drop to my knees.  I know this sounds very dramatic! I thought "Day time Emmys, Watch out! Here I come!"  Lol! But let me tell you something, doing this has helped me in SO MANY ways!  Once you are down there, once you start letting everything run through you...it can feel like you have a cyclone going through you, so many things, fear, pain, confusion, disappointment, guilt, feeling lost, alone, some I couldn't even put a name to, and I just had to tell myself to keep breathing, visualizing it passing through me, paying attention to the physical sensations I was feeling.  It took it all out of my head and let my Body ACTUALLY feel these emotions. I used this tool a lot when I started feeling SO frustrated that I wasn't getting the results I wanted to at the gym and I wanted to give up.

I also recently had a big ah ha moment when I realized that if you don't allow yourself to Fully feel the emotions you have, they just stay inside of you...so you will continue to feel them until you do Fully feel and release them.

The great thing that always follows one of these moments is that you get to the other side of it.  Once everything runs through you, pours out of you, you are left with this fresh empty feeling.  Not empty in a bad way, but in a great way, like inside of you, there is this solid base, this ocean floor sized strong, awesome, magnificent, base that isn't going anywhere!  Rori Raye actually uses the comparison of the ocean floor and the ocean current...and until I tried just now to describe how this all feels myself and in my own words...I realized how perfect her description is.  All of those emotions that you are not allowing yourself to fully feel, or you are trying to ignore...instead of letting them toss you about, she says you need to imagine yourself planted in the ocean floor and you let them flow by you.  They can make you rock and sway, or even bring you down to your knees, but once you let them pass, you still have your solid base of the ocean floor all around you.

So while I let these feelings rush by and through me...there were times that I would start to feel like this is too much! I can't handle all of this....but I would just keep breathing...keep focusing on the actual physical feelings in my body...and on the solid ground and floor that was underneath me....while I had the feelings passing through me my breath felt hot, like with each breath I was expelling all of the hurt and confusion....but eventually my breath would just feel clean and clear...It would turn into a calm and steady breath....And I was back to my solid ocean floor....there is this feeling of a great underlying strength inside yourself...again like that ocean floor.  You can't get rid of the ocean floor.  No current of emotion is going take it away.  It can change the landscape of it, but it can't destroy it.  Then ...you look around and realize you are still standing (or kneeling ;)) and your okay...  After doing this I feel like I can say YES! I have successfully "processed" my emotions! And I feel ready to move forward in a much more steady, focused and powerful way. (-_-)/

I also wanted to give you another option instead of dropping to your knees....I did have a time that I realized I needed to get some emotions out of me...and dropping to my knees just didn't feel like it was going to do it...So I went for a drive one night after the gym.  I rolled down all the windows in my car, opened the sunroof, and turned up the music.  I then drove through the mountains.  It was dark outside, just the stars and the soft glow of my dashboard lights. The fresh mountain air rushed around me in the car, causing my hair to whip around my face, just like my feelings of anger, frustration, and helplessness were rushing and whipping around and through me. God it felt quite magnificent!  That would be how I would define honoring my emotions....I honored the hell out of them! ;)

I'm not always successful in remembering to allow myself to just feel what I am feeling.  I still revert to my old methods from time to time.  But I'm getting better at being more self aware.  And every time I remember and do this..allow myself to just feel them...like when I went to hit the "Publish" button on my first blog...this rush of fear, and uncertainty hit me...I could already imagine myself being the victim and being judged and criticized and looked down upon...so I let myself fully feel all of that...then once those feelings were experienced and gone...all I felt was my base level strength...that is me.  And then all I could feel was powerful and strong and supported.  No matter what, I know I have my back and that I will be okay. That is a great feeling! You can find that feeling inside of yourself too! It is already there.  You just need to let the current of your emotions wash through you and over you so that it can reveal itself to you.  :)

As with all of my posts (All 2 of them now! Lol! ;)) I hope that maybe something in them will resonate and possibly be of help to whoever might be seeking it... If you already know all of this stuff then I say good for you! Keep being your awesome self and remember to keep breathing you will be ok!! Sending you all Big Love!!! <3 <3 <3

Operation Awesome Allison! The road so far! (My very first post! :D)

Hello and welcome :)

I'm not sure of the exact day that I came up with the title "Operation Awesome Allison"...I do remember it came to me while I was discussing my goals with my mom and sister in law. I liked the sound of it, so it has been my mission title ever since ;) I wanted to say that I share all of this in the hopes that if someone is out there and might possibly be going through a similar hard time, I hope that this will show you, or inspire you, to see that you can do anything you put your mind to. I hope I will show you that it is possible. Now to bring you all up to speed, here is my attempt to cover what has been my journey so far. :)

When I was 30, my life kind of fell apart.  I got a divorce and had all of my illusions of what I thought life was supposed to be shattered.  I found out that even though you are a good person and try to do everything right, bad things still happen to you.  This is when I started drinking...then around 35 I decided if I want to pull myself together I am going to have to confront and deal with my past.  So one night when I was drunk I reached out to my ex mother in law and asked for my ex husbands contact information.  Thankfully he agreed to meet with me to talk over what had happened.  It took several different discussions over a period of time to reach a place that I was somewhat better.  I am so thankful to him and his now wife for being open enough to help me work through my feelings.

After all of this I still had to deal with the fact that I was drinking and smoking every day...I still felt alone and broken.  I looked as deeply as I could into myself and asked myself what was holding me back?  And everything lead back to fear.  I was afraid of loving again, of taking a chance, of feeling, all of it.  It's funny how the universe works because shortly after this discovery I found a book called "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyways" in a box of books at my mom's place.  I then decided I had to do something that was really scary, then because I did it everything else in comparison would be like a cake walk.  On another night of drinking I decided that scary thing would be to do a tandem jump out of an airplane.  I called up my brothers and sisters and they were all on board to do it with me. I will someday post about that day more.  But for now lets just say it definitely was one of the scariest and at the same time the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life!!!

One day I felt a heat in my chest and was concerned I was having a heart attack, deep down I knew I wasn't but it was enough to send me into a full on panic attack.  I was throwing up due to the waves of fear that were coursing through me.  Usually I would have just let it slide and chalked it up to a panic attach and looked no further because if I looked into it I was terrified of what they might find.  But with my new "Hey you jumped out of an airplane you can do this'" mantra I had developed, I decided to go to the doctor to get examined and set my mind at ease.  However the exam had the exact opposite effect. I had not tested positive for the enzymes that would indicate I had had a heart attack, however they told me my blood work was off and that my EKG was off as well.  I had about a 2 week period were I had to digest the possibility that I might be told I had cancer.  I realized that what I was doing to my body...and how it could, if it chose to, give up on me.

I had a moment where I had gone for a walk trying to digest everything.  I sat down at one point on the trail that was next to the slew...I looked over at the sun shining on the water just as some ducks took off into the air. It was so beautiful and I choked up thinking I would miss being able to see something like this...I didn't want to leave this world!  I got a prescription for Wellbutrin from my doctor and started the process of quitting smoking.  The third round of blood work came back clean! I was OK!!  I am happy to also say that as of Dec 9th 2015 I will be 3 years smoke free!

I took myself on a trip to Ireland to celebrate my 40th birthday and quitting smoking.  More on that later as well :)  When I got back from Ireland I started at the gym, and have to date lost 30lbs.  I have gone back and forth with the drinking...I'm not drinking every day like I used to, I haven't cut it completely out of my life yet though...sometimes on the weekends or every other weekend...sometimes I've gone months...still a work in progress.

Well that for the most part brings you up to date.  I will write in more detail in the days to come about some of the more significant moments involved in getting where I am now.  But for now I think this will do for my first official post.  I hope you have enjoyed reading.  I look forward to seeing where this will all lead :) Until next time I'm sending you all BIG LOVE!!!!